FOOD ART
By Matt Greiner
CAST
GUSTAV: male, performance artist & restaurateur
JOHN: male, potential investor
BETH: female, potential investor
WAITER 1: female, performance artist
WAITER 2: male, performance artist
BEAU: male, short order cook
OPEN ON: GUSTAV sitting cross-legged on the floor. JOHN and BETH enter through the front door. The door triggers the sound of a bat hitting a ball followed by a crowd cheering. GUSTAV has a vague European accent.
GUSTAV
Oh. Time for the pitch.
GUSTAV gets up as JOHN comes over to shake hands.
JOHN
You must be Gustav.
GUSTAV
(framing his face with his hands)
Gustav Gustaverson, Artistic Director and host. When this presentation is complete we believe you will be happy to invest your life savings into MUMF, the first restaurant in the nation to combine fine dining with performance art. Your names please.
JOHN
I’m John.
GUSTAV
(makes a little performance move)
Yahn.
JOHN
No, it’s--
GUSTAV
(to BETH)
And you?
BETH
I’m Beth.
GUSTAV
(makes a little performance move)
Besh.
Here at MUMF each guest will be assigned a new name, one that is slightly different from their original, in order to create the dream-like quality this performance cuisine deserves. Please sit.
GUSTAV motions to a table with two chairs. JOHN and BETH sit.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
Tonight’s presentation will simulate an actual meal-show here at MUMF.
GUSTAV snaps and WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 come rushing out.
BETH
Gustav, could we ask a few questions before we get started?
JOHN
Yes, this seems, um, different from what we’re used to seeing.
GUSTAV
Yahn, Besh – express your curiosities.
GUSTAV snaps and WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 quickly line up on either side of him.
BETH
How did you come up with the name?
GUSTAV
The food will be so delicious that our guests will never want to stop eating. Therefore, the only sounds heard will be those of people trying to communicate with their mouths full.
GUSTAV, WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 look back and forth at each other pretending to talk with their mouths full.
ALL THREE
MUMF, MMMM HMMM, MUMF, MUMF, MUMF.
They show no sign of stopping, so JOHN raises his voice to interrupt them.
JOHN
AND what kind of experience does the staff have?
GUSTAV
I, Gustav, used to mime civil war atrocities at the Logan Square farmer’s market, where I snacked on local foods and pondered violence. Your waiters tonight swindled me out of five hundred dollars in a caper so elaborate I started to question my own reality. It was gorgeous.
GUSTAV freezes in place as the room goes black except for a lone spotlight on him.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
(desperately)
BEAU! ARE YOU THERE?
The lights come back up as the CHEF DE CUISINE Beau walks out from the kitchen.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
Our Chef de Cuisine Beau was a hotdog slave at Chicago’s infamous Weiner Circle before being unjustly fired for protesting the objectification of men. He courageously served his own penis on a bun.
BEAU
(with vague accent)
I am not a piece of meat.
GUSTAV
Kudos, Beau. Enough questions now! Watch. And eat.
GUSTAV snaps his fingers. BEAU, WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 run backstage.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
MUMF offers a three course prix fix menu. Tonight’s first course is entitled Kony Bologna 2012. It is a slice of bologna kidnapped from its parents and forced to fight with your digestive system. Ketchup optional but highly dramatic.
As GUSTAV is speaking, WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 bring out two plates with torn up bologna on it. They place the plates in front of JOHN and BETH.
WAITER 1
Ketchup?
JOHN
No, thank you.
WAITER 1 squeezes a violent, farty-sounding load of ketchup onto JOHN’s plate.
WAITER 1
The bologna didn’t have a choice either.
GUSTAV
Eat. And think about what you’ve done.
GUSTAV, WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 exit and leave JOHN and BETH alone.
BETH
Should we leave?
JOHN
(looking around)
Can we?
BETH
Are we in danger?
As BETH is speaking, GUSTAV sneaks up behind them.
GUSTAV
HOW is the Kony Bologna 2012?
JOHN and BETH jump with fright.
BETH
We ate before we came.
JOHN
Yes, we’d hate to ruin the experience by being over-full.
GUSTAV
Then let us hurry through courses two and three so you can evacuate your bowels and go to bed.
GUSTAV snaps and WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 rush out. He points at their plates.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
(in German)
Zwei und drei, SCHNELL.
(translation: 2 and 3, quickly)
WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 grab the plates and rush off stage.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
Course number two is our main course and is called the Cell-mich. It is a deconstructed prison-style sandwich served in three parts.
GUSTAV snaps and WAITER 1 and WAITER 1 enter. WAITER 1 holds a butter churner and WAITER 2 has a plate of bread, which he puts down on the table.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
First we serve the bread and butter. The bread is a special San Francisco sourdough loaf that has been left alone on Alcatraz to stale like a naughty inmate tossed in the hole.
GUSTAV picks up the bread, snaps it in half and tosses it over his shoulder.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
But don’t forget about the hard labor. Your waiters will churn the butter in real time next to your table while serenading you with an old-timey song of their choice.
WAITER 1 gets to churning while WAITER 2 sings the first verse of “Five Foot Two Eyes of Blue.”
WAITER 2
Five foot two, eyes of blue, and oh what that five foot could do, has anybody seen my gal.
WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 rush off stage and come back with two plates of genoa salami. They put down the plates and rush back stage again.
GUSTAV
Next we bring out a side dish of genoa salami. Put it on the bread or use your dirty mitts, what do I care? Just eat it all, you filthy animals, and commit some delectable genoa-cide.
WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 reappear holding mustard packets.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
Lastly, what we like to call the Firing Squad. Our waiters will throw these stolen packets of yellow mustard at our guests as hard as they possibly can, thereby inviting them to “put some mustard on it.”
WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 start whipping mustard packets at JOHN and BETH.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
Harder! Faster!
(WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 throw the packets harder and faster)
JOHN
Not in my face!
BETH
It’s like being stung by bees!
GUSTAV
HALT!
WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 stop and run back stage.
GUSTAV (CONT’D)
Our third and final course is a liquid.
JOHN
Shit, there’s more?
WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 emerge from backstage with a life-size cardboard cut-out of an angry looking pig. It has a box of red juice attached to it in the back that the audience can’t see.
GUSTAV
To give our guests a sense of karmic closure, we will serve them an iced tea infused with the bloody urine of an angry sow. Our waiters will find the bitchiest pig in the pen and make her pay for her evil deeds by viciously beating her about the kidneys until she tinkles plasma.
WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 viciously punch both sides of the cardboard pig until WAITER 2, who is behind the pig, squeezes the juicebox of red juice into a glass of half-full iced tea. WAITER 2 takes a sip.
WAITER 2
Mmmmm. Justice!
BETH
(holding hand to mouth)
I think I’m going to be sick.
WAITER 1 and WAITER 2 rush out with the pig.
GUSTAV
Yahn, Besh – should we handcuff ourselves together in solidarity and find your checkbook?
JOHN
Absolutely NOT.
GUSTAV
Then with Beau, perhaps?
BEAU pops out and taunts them with a hotdog bun.
JOHN
(getting an idea)
You know what, Gustav, let’s role play. You and Beau are the blind victims of a senseless civil war.
GUSTAV
Yes, Yahn!
JOHN
Besh and I will be the generous townsfolk who walk through to give the blind money for food. Close those eyes and get ready!
GUSTAV
Oh how ingenious!
GUSTAV and BEAU sit down cross-legged and close their eyes. They reach out and grasp at the air like desperate blind people. JOHN and BETH quietly get up and run out of the restaurant.
GUSTAV
Feed me, Yahn!
(SCENE)